Ever wondered what you can achieve with a bit of enthusiasm and a bottle of vodka? Weird fitness equipment we really, really don’t need!
Well, to create a piece of fitness equipment there really is no need to have the practical knowledge on sports, as long as you come up with something that catches the eye (and a bit of the wallet), and as long as you sound really convincing when you explain how it burns a gazillion calories.
If you run out of inspiration on how to create a fitness machine so weird that people might actually buy it, read the list below and let us know if you get any ideas.
Top 10 Weird Fitness Equipment
Here are the weirdest fitness machines you probably won’t use any time soon:
10. The Speedboard
The Speedboard is a treadmill without a motor, which relies on gravity to speed you up or slow you down.
It’s shaped like a treadmill that has both ends a little elevated, and the concept is this: the further you step forward, the faster your speed will become. And if you wish to stop, you just have to take a step back – and pray you don’t step too far behind, or else you’ll fall.
And did I mention there are no proper handles to hold on to?
There are two versions of this amazing contraption:
- The Speedboard Lite, which offers no handles at all, but which gladly seems to offer a myriad of ways to fall off and hurt yourself;
- And the Speedboard Pro XL, which has two handles on its side, but nothing in front.
In case you are used to a regular treadmill, where you can support your gravitationally-challenged self by grabbing onto the bar in front of you, this piece of equipment will be quite the change.
If the treadmill makes you feel as safe as a baby crib with all the grab-onto-this options, by comparison, the Speedboard would make you feel like an untrained Tarzan swinging on a vine above a cliff.
Long story short: try this if you want to feel like a pro runner, if by „pro runner” you understand „life-and-limb-risking enthusiast”.
9. Anti-gravity Treadmill
While we’re on the topic of „equipment to run on and look like a klutz”, here’s the latest hit: The Anti-Gravity Treadmill.
This machine boasts on helping you recover from injuries by taking some of that pesky bodyweight off your legs, allowing you to run faster and faster.
Not only does it seem to place your lower half in a bubble-like environment as if it’s quarantined (what’s wrong with your legs anyway?), but it boasts on improving performance and on drastically reducing the time it takes to run a mile or two. Really?
So if your body is half-suspended and the effort of “anti-gravity running” is a small fraction of what it would be with normal running, you say your numbers will look better by comparison?
Well please, don’t let actual science distract you from achieving your true peak performance of running without actually running, so go ahead and buy it!
8. Jacob’s Ladder
As you may know, Jacob’s ladder is traditionally that rope ladder that hangs on the side of ships for Johnny Depp and mermaids with wavy hair to grab on to and try to climb.
But when it comes to fitness, this is the name of a tool that seems just dangerous enough to compete with an actual pirate. Except not even a pirate would threaten to make you fall on your face every two seconds.
This device is advertised as being very effective cardio equipment. While this surely will help you break a sweat – trying not to plunge face-first into it, over and over, because of its broken-hamster-wheel-esque properties – it’s hardly what the doctor would recommend, unless you’d be taking fitness advice from your future plastic surgeon.
It’s the type of equipment that would probably drive you mental, making you feel like Sisyphus going up and up the hill with no real purpose in sight.
And really, it shares its name with a psychological horror film where “the ladder” was a drug used in war that kind of made people want to go on killing sprees. Coincidence? I think not.
Have you ever felt the need – nay, the urge to look like a firefly hanging on to dear life? Well, I have just the thing for you.
The new fitness trend that is called Bodyblade, which is pretty much a blade with a handle on the middle which you wiggle like crazy and which miraculously gets you that toned look that fireflies all over the world desire. I mean people, sorry. That people desire.
This revolutionary piece of fitness equipment is said to be a complete vibration training system. As complete, some would say, as shaking a random stick, and probably just as effective, but with more of that thrilling danger of hitting yourself in the face if you get too enthusiastic.
So really, this is the tool we’ve all been waiting for. You want to try it? Knock yourself out. Literally.
6. X-iser Portable Stepper
While this does resemble a normal stepper, it looks as though everything about it is reduced in scale.
Q: Will you get a workout out of it?
A: More like half a workout.
Q: Will you have stability?
A: Not much, by the looks of it, especially since you’d have to be pretty close to a wall to make sure gravity doesn’t take over, as there are no handles for support.
Q: Does it have some sort of coolness factor?
A: What is this “coolness” you speak of?…
Using this mini-stepper could actually help you shed some pounds, don’t get me wrong – but even wiggling your fingers for a long enough time can burn a significant amount of calories.
Anyone over the age of 5 stepping on it would look like a big guy on a tiny bike – it’s possible to use and to get some kind of workout out of it, but I’m not sure I would recommend it, especially since the price range is well above average.
5. Weighted Sleds
OK, I’m not gonna lie. There’s only so much I can say about this machine that isn’t self-explanatory. Looks like a sled, has weights on it, must be a weighted sled.
But if you think about why people would use this, that’s where things start to get a little hazy.
- Are they training for when they have to teach their huskies how to do their job in the harsh arctic winter?
- Are they planning to take the kids on the sled ride of their lives?
- Are they preparing for a contest that only five other sled-fanatics in the world know about?
Unless these actually are the main reasons why you would use the weighted sleds, you could probably do without.
Sure, it trains your legs and your lung capacity, but you know what else does that? Good old fashioned sprinting.
Not to be discouraging or anything (who doesn’t love dragging weights around? I know I do), but the truth is that this looks more or less “replaceable” by simpler methods.
If there was ever a college contest to make the most convincing infomercial for a fake piece of fitness equipment, the presentation for FaceTrainer would take the cake.
But welcome to the real world, where FaceTrainer is a real thing that actually does something.
Not sure what that something is, other than helping you develop mime-like facial expressions, but we won’t let such details get in our way, right?
If you watch their ads, you will learn how to properly use this vital piece of equipment.
The infomercials offer an ample tutorial on how to put the sponge-like knight-helmet on. And you will be delighted to see some models making ridiculous faces, teaching you how to wear this and *cough cough* exercise your face.
You will be taught to perform movements such as:
- “The Surprised Puppy-Dog” (I swear I’m not making this up), that exercises all your facial muscles;
- “The Smile Line Smoother”;
- Or “The Undereye Smoother” – this one exercises the muscles around your eyes, which in time, with all this working out, you will “begin to feel moving aggressively”.
Who doesn’t want aggressive under-eye muscles, am I right? No? OK let’s move on then.
3. Hawaii Chair
The Hawaii Chair is (have you guessed it?) a chair (this was hard) that rotates to allegedly help you build your abs. And this rotation mimics the movements of a Hawaiian hula dancer. Hence the name. Clever, right? Riiiiight.
Their slogan is “It takes the work out of your work day”. That’s probably because you can’t work when operating this chair unless your job is to sit around and do nothing all day.
It’s not like you can handle a mouse or a keyboard while sitting on this dancing chair, and I’m pretty sure that all those working on management positions would probably not increase their popularity or their authority in the department by using such a toy.
And still, this was designed to be used at work. Do their designers know what it’s like to work in the real world?
So head over to youtube, watch the terrific infomercial, and maybe notice that the suggested videos for this are somewhere along the lines of “12 worst inventions of all time” and “Top 5 infomercial fails”. Just saying.
2. Horse Riding Fitness Ace Power
In case you’ve missed the hundreds of reviews describing this product, allow me to enlighten you.
The Horse Riding Fitness Ace Power is a piece of equipment inspired by horseriding. You sit on it, and while it operates it makes you look like you’re riding a horse, and more. Wink wink.
It’s quite a suggestive piece of equipment, and obviously this machine responds to a very basic human need that we all certainly identify with.
Even the presentation video points this out – it’s oh so helpful when all you want is to mimic horseriding in your living room, but you can’t keep your balance and you topple over. It truly is a necessity in our lives.
PS: If you still think horseriding is the only thing this exercising resembles, please hand over your computer because you’re not equipped to play in the real world just yet.
1. Vibration Exercise Fitness Machine
You know what you want: a toned, slim body, achieved with little to no work. And of course that’s a realistic expectation – why would everybody trying to sell fitness equipment say this on TV if it wasn’t true?
So now that you have clear goals in mind, take a seat right here on the EuroPlate Vibration Exercise Machine.
And while you ponder on the other beautiful things you can achieve in life by not putting in any effort, this magical machine will melt your fat away and give you the best body you’ve ever had, in only 10 minutes a day!
In case you’re still not sure how this piece of equipment works, allow me to explain the pure science behind it. Using vibrations it:
- Raises your Human Growth Hormone (HGH) levels;
- Increases your bone density;
- Increases your serotonin levels (happy hormone, anyone?).
And it probably cooks you dinner too. You know, as a reward for working out so hard by sitting on a vibrating plate.
Know any other weird fitness equipment and machines? Let us know in the comment section below!